I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. I beat people up.Ī good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?ĭoing nothing is very hard to do.you never know when you're finished. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.Ī writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. The word they didn't change was on page 87. I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. I say it's more about the state of your body. People say that age is just a state of mind. You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.Īs we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. And where did it leave you? Old too soon.smart too late. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.Īs you get older three things happen. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. But there has to be some penalty for sex. The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.Ī kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.Īlways get married early in the morning. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
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